1. When playing Bingo, the people with tons of cash and nothing to buy always win, always.

2. Being born with a mental disorder.

3. When people who don't want to have kids end up getting pregnant, but my sister who wanted kids ended up with miscarriages.

4. When my first love turned into a tragedy.

5. When my friend's mom died when she was only 13.

6. No matter how hard I work, I'm still only getting paid minimum wage.

7. When people don't even give you a chance when you could be better than anyone else.

8. That strong relationships can be torn apart and broken in less than sixty seconds.

9. Discovering that too much McDonalds is very fattening and bad for my health yet society dangles it in front of my face each day.

10. Knowing that society is warping children's minds more and more each day.

Confirmed_Lies

I can't stop thinking about these words that Sean's brother said a couple weeks ago. I was complaining about my past relationship expecting to get sympathy like I do from everyone, but all he said was something along the lines of "it was your fault for staying with him" and it was like BOOM. Such a simple answer filled with so much wisdom. It WAS my fault for choosing that life and I did put too much weight on my love for Steve. It's like I never had to think about "but what if there are no other guys better then him?" and it was all so simple. If only someone has muttered those words 3 years ago. I guess it follows the lines of "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Shame on me for keeping myself in that situation for so long.

I'm happy.

I want to be your shadow. I want to be someone else, someone with a different past and hopeful future. I want to experience the touches you feel and understand how you recognize the different smells that fill the same air that I am not quite breathing. I hear your words, your beautiful words that mean beautiful things and I wish that I could interpret them with even an ounce of simple trust. You deserve to be trusted but it's hard and it's always going to be hard for me.  

You make me happy, really truely happy. That scares the fuck out of me. Every time you put a smile on my face I remind myself that I am not allowed to be happy. I'm not supposed to be. So I wipe that smile off my face because it doesn't belong in a life filled of miserary. I was put on this earth to be taken advantage of and that's all I'm ever going to be good for. So take advantage of me, god damnit. Lie to me and beat my emotions raw and fuck me like you've never fucked before. I am worthless, so don't pretend that I am worthy of your love. You call me beautiful, but really, who are you trying to kid?

You are nice. You are perfect. You are amazing. As simple as that seems, it makes me wary.

I'm in love. I've let myself be stupid enough to fall for another boy. But he seems different, just like the rest of them "seemed" different.

he's gone. forever gone. and i'm okay with that, happy even.

three years of depression and now the cause of my pain is gone. there is nothing left to be sad about and that scares me. it scares me that i now feel lost, lost without someone to make me want to cut, want to cry. it's all i've known for such a long time. sadness. i don't know how to be happy, how to smile, how to truly love. i shy away from this new boy who shows me he loves me so much. i want to show him my love, but i don't know how. i am so used to lies that it is hard to accept the truth.

i need to learn how to show my love to the best of my ability. because this new boy deserves it. he deserves more than i have to offer.

Q: When will he stop lying? A: Never.

Update: Everything has been fine. Some days are still hard with the memories that will always be there to show their ugly heads, but I'm just keeping happy and hopeful. I've finally had a chance to settle down and start writing my verse novel. Maybe I'll be able to get a publishing contract...yay!

Devastated.

My own ideas,
feels like she
stole them.

All I should say
is lead the way.